When I was Younger

When I was Younger:

• I'd put my arms in my shirt and told people I lost my arms

• Would restart the video game whenever I knew I was going to lose

• Slept with all the stuffed animals and teddys as a child so none of them got offended

• Had that one pen with four colors, and tried to push all the buttons at once

• Poured soda into the cap and acting like I were taking shots.

• Waited behind a door to scare someone, then leaving because they're taking too long to come out or you had to pee

• Faked being asleep, so I could be carried to bed

• Used to think that the moon followed our car

• Watching two drops of rain roll down window and pretending it was a race

• Went on the computer just to use Paint

• The only thing i had to take care of was a school bag.

• The only 'fake' friends i had were invisible ones

• I used to sing in the shower 8-|

• Swallowed a fruit seed I was scared to death that a tree was going to grow in my tummy

• Getting a bruised knee healed better than a broken heart

• Remember when we were kids and couldn't wait to grow up

Joke

DOCTOR PAGAL Se:TUM Pagal Q Hue?
PAGAL: Maine 1 Vidhva se Shadi ki,Uski Jawan Beti se Mere Baap ne Shadi ki
Yu Meri wo Beti meri Maa ban gai
Un k Ghar Beti hui To wo Meri Behn Hui
Mgr Mai Uski Nani ka Pati tha is Liye wo Meri Poti bhi Hui.
Isi Tarha Mera Beta Apni Dadi ka Bhai ban Gaya or Mai Apne Bete kaBhanja aur Mera Baap Mera Damaad Ban Gaya aur Mera Beta Apne Dada ka Sala ban Gaya aur
Dr: Abey Chup kar Sale Kya Mujhe bhi PAGAL Krega.

Joke

Pappu:" Mujhe Dog Food lena hai..
.
.
SALES GIRL:" Kya aapke paas Kutta hai.. ??
.
Pappu:" Haa ghar pe hai.. .
SALES GIRL:" Sorry! Store policy hai ke zarurat
dekh kar item sale karo..
.
NEXT DAY Pappu:" Mujhe Cat Food lena hai
. SALES GIRL:" Sorry Sir pehle Billi la ke dikhao.. .
3 din bad Pappu bag le ke store aaya aur bola:"
Bag me hath dal ke sabot dekh lo.. .
SALES GIRL hath dal ke boli:" Koi Garam, Geeli aur
Mulayum cheez hai Kya hai.. ?? .
Pappu:" Ye meri Potty hai, aur
mujhe aaj
"TOILET PAPER" lena hai..

Kamine Dost

3 kaale dost ja rhe the.
Raste me unhe ek pari mili, usne teeno ko 1-1
vardaan offer kiya.

1st- muje dudh jitna gora bana do.

2nd- muje bi utna hi gora banado. Wo dono gore ho gaye.

3rd- hi.hi.hi. in saalo ko pehle se bhi kaala bana do. Teeno fir se kaale ho gaye.

[Moral-kuch dost kamine hi rehte hai]

Realty

Bus mai do ajnabi ladke aapas
mai baat kr rahe the,
.
.
1st : aap kya krte ho ?
.
.
2nd : maine MBA kiya hai or
mera 4,00,000 rupees ka annual
pakage hai company mai.
.
.
2nd : N Uhh ?
.
.
1st : 10th fail hun, 10,00,000
lakh se bhi jyada Annual
pakage hai !
.
.
2nd : vo kese ?
.
.
1st : Bussiness Krta hun
bhai...

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT:

If you have
Food in your fridge,
Clothes on your body
A roof over your head and
A place 2 sleep
U r richer than 75% of the entire world.

If you have
money in your wallet
A little change
And Can go anywhere you want
U are among the top 18% of the worlds wealthy people.

If you alive today with more health than illness,
U are more blessed than the million people
who will not survive this week and die.

If you can actually 'READ' this message
and understand it,
U are more fortunate than the 3 billion people in the world
who Cannot see
Cannot read Or suffer mental retardation.

Life is not about complaining pain and sorrows.
It's about a thousand other reasons to Thank our Creator!!!

Joke

Shadi ki 1st nyt

Dulha- Hmesha Puja krna,
Vrat rkhna, daan dena
Sbse pyar se bolna!

Dulhan pareshan ho k bahar gyi,
Or boli-
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sab Aandr ajao,
SATSANG ho rha h :

Joke

Faadu EK Dum **
.
.
Phone rings
.
.
GIRL: Hello. ..
GUY: My luv how r u doing?
.
.
GIRL: Am fine.
.
.
GUY: Will you be free during the weekend,and can u come to my
house?
.
.
GIRL: Am sorry I cant make it
because Iwill be attending my
aunty's wedding and the next day i'l be busy,im so occupied.
.
.
GUY: Ooh ok,was just planning
to take u out for
shopping,supris ­e u with an
iPhone5,then buy u the dress u've been asking for...
.
.
GIRL: I will be coming ♥♥ and I
may even spend the whole
weekend there if you want my
love. ..
GUY: What about the wedding?
.
.
GIRL: Which wedding,I was
joking...
.
.
GUY: Me too :

Thought

GREAT LINE BY ABDUL KALAM:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"INTZAAR KARNE WALON KO
SIRF UTNA HI MILTA HAI
.
.
JITNA KOSHISH KARNE WALON
SE BACH JATA HAI" TRY EVER WAIT NEVER.

Joke

Ek din pappu Bahut Sari Chocolate Kha Raha
Tha,,,

Tabhi Ek Aadmi Use Salah(advise) Deta Hai..
.
Aadmi:“ Beta, Itni Chocolate Nahi Khate, Theek
Nahi Hoti”

Pappu:“ Ek Baat Bolu, Mere Dada 105 Saal Ke
Hai ”
.
Aadmi:“ Achha!!, Kya Wo Bahut Chocolate
Khate Hai ??

Pappu:” Nahi ”
.
Aadmi:“ To, Phir ??

Pappu:“ Ullu k patthe,,, Wo Apne Kaam Se
Kaam Rakhte Hai,

Teri Tarha ungilbaazi Nahi Karte"

Joke

7 Days before a exam

Day1:" Exam k liye itni chuttiyaan.. haha..... aaram se ho jayega..

Day2:" abhi toh 6 din pade hai yaar!

Day3:" aaj toh yaar uske ghar janatha...yahan
jana tha vahan jana tha.. kal padhunga..!!

Day4:" aaj padhunga.. raat poori raat...10 baje..
off to sleep..kal se pakka..!!

Day5:" bhai syllabus bata, bas itna sa mai yu hi
tension le ra hun...

Day 6:" kya padhu kuch samajh nahi aa rha.. ye karta hun.. nahi yekarta hun..
ye.. vo.. ye.. vo.."
ghanta padhu ab.."

Day7:" abey tune kitna kar liya..
kuch bhi nai bhai tune kitna.. abeylagi padi hai..
bhai paper ka jugaaad kar lo kahi se kese bhi.. kar lo bhai bol rha hun..

"ON EXAMINATION DAY"
.
.
.
.
.
"kaash ek din aur mil jata..
faad deta paper..

Kalyugi Bacccha

Kalyugi Bacccha !

Pota :- Dadi, is Ghar mein hum 5 log rehte hain na Papa, Mama, Main, Didi aur aap !

Dadi -: Teri Shaadi hogi to 6 ho jaayenge !

Pota :- Didi ki Shaadi hogi to phir 5 ho jaayenge !

Dadi :- Tera Baccha hoga phir 6 ho jaayenge !

Pota :- Aap mar jaoge to phir 5 ho Jayenge !

Dadi :- " Soo Jaa Haraamzaade "

'' These type of Children becomes Lawyer ''

Joke

There was a pregnent lady,
who was carrying a babygirl within her...

The babygirl was blessed that she could see what was going outside...

She could also see her future...

One day,
She saw a lady named SAPNA driving a TATA NANO...

Sapna was also pregnent with a babyboy...

This boy was to become the babygirl's boyfriend in the future....

So,
What did the babygirl sing ????
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Ta thaiya ta thaiya ho.o.o.
Ta thaiya ta thaiya ho.o.o.
NANO mein Sapna...
Sapna mein Sajna..
Sajna pe dil aa gaya...
Ki Sajna pe dil aa gaya..."

You need to be HIMMATHWALA to digest this....

Height of Irritation

Height of Irritation

Mom; Can You Get Me A Drink ?

Me; Cola Or Pepsi ?

Mom; Cola

Me; Normal Or Diet ?

Mom; Normal

Me; Can Or Bottle ?

Mom; Bottle

Me; 1L Or 0.5l ?

Mom; Screw It Give Me Water .-.

Me; Normal Or Carbonated ?

Mom; NORMAL !!!

Me; Warm Or Cold ?

Mom; Get Out !

Me; Now Or Later ?

Mom; Im Going To Kill You ! .-.

Me; With A Knife Or Gun ?

Mom; GUN !

Me; In The Head Or Body ?

Mom; YOU KNOW WHAT I LL GET IT MY SELF N0W GET LOST !

Inspirational Speaker

A famous inspirational speaker said:
"Best years of my life were spent in
the arms of a woman, who wasn't
my wife."
Audience was in shock and silence.
He added: "She was my mother"
(A big round of plause & laughter)
A very daring husband tried to
crack this at home.
After dinner, he said loudly to his
wife in the kitchen:
"Best years of my life were spent in
the arms of a woman, who wasn't
my wife"
Standing for a moment, trying to
recall the second line of that
speaker.
.
.
By the time he gained his senses, he
was on a hospital bed, recovering
from burns of boiling water!
.
.
.
Moral: Don't Copy, if you can't
Paste

Thought

Kamyabi Badi Nahi Paane Wale
Bade Hote Hai.
Zakhm Bade Nahi Bharne Wale
Bade Hote Hai.
Itihas K Har Panne P Likha Hai.
Dosti Badi Nahi Nibhane Wale
Bade Hote Hai

Sayri

Kisi Ki Yaad Ko Dil Mein
Basa Ke Roye,
Kisi Ki Tasveer Ko Seene
Se Laga Ke Roye.
Jo Wada Kia Tha Humne
Kisi Se,
Hum Us Wade Ko Nibha
Ke Roye.
Jis Shakhs Ko Hamari
Zaroorat Nai Thi,
Hum Us Shakhs Ko Apni
Aarzu Bana Ke Roye.
Jisne Hame Apne
Qadmon Tale Bhi Jaga Na
Di,
Hum Use Apni Palkon Par
Bitha Ke Roye...

Joke

Mom:" Son, get up its time to go to College..

Son:" No Maa.. I don't want to go to college..

Mom:" Give me 2 reasons why don't u want to go to college..

Son:" 1. All students hate me..
2. All staff hates me..

.
Mom:" Ooh! That's not a reason.. Come on. U must go to college..

Son:" Give me 2 reasons why I should go 2 college..

.
Mom:" 1. U are 47 years old..
2. U are the Principal of the college..

Moral:" Sirf Bachon ka hi Dil nahi karta Chutti karne ko,..

Speechless Boyfreind

Girls will be girls!
.
Gf giving house directions 2 her Bf-
.
"Come to the front gate of my apartment where you drop me, look for flat 9A, you ll find a lift on ur right.
hit 9 with ur ELBOW.....
get out of the lift u'll find my flat on left....
hit the doorbell wid ur ELBOW & I ll get the door 4u"
.
Bf says- Dear that seems easy but why m I hitting buttons with my elbows ?
.
Gf-"0MG! Are you coming empty handed ????"
.
bf :- (speechless)...

Facts

There was a man with four wives. He loved his fourth wife the most and took
a great care of her and gave her the best. He also loved his third wife
and always wanted to show her off to his friends. However, he was always
had a fear that she might runaway with some other man. He loved his second
wife too. Whenever he faced some problems, he always turned to his second
wife and she would always help him out. He did not love his first wife
though she loved him deeply, was very loyal to him and took great care of
him. One day the man fell very ill and knew that he is going to die soon.
He told himself, "I have four wives with me. I will take one of them along
with me when I die to keep company in my death."
Thus, he asked the fourth wife to die along with him and keep company. "No
way!" she replied and walked away without another word.
He asked his third wife.She said "Life is so good over here. I'm going to
remarry when you die".
He then asked his second wife. She said "I'm Sorry. I can't help you this
time around. At the most I can only accompany you til your grave."
By now his heart sank and turned cold.
Then a voice called out: "I'll leave with you. I'll follow you no matter
where you go." the man looked up and there was his first wife. She was so
skinny, almost like she suffered from malnutrition. Greatly grieved, the
man said, "I should have taken much better care of you while I could have!"

Actually, we all have four wives in our lives.

a. The fourth wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we
lavish in making it look good, it'll leave us when w die.

b. The third wife is our possessions, status and wealth. When we die, they
go to others.

c. the second wife is our family and friends. No matter how close they
had been there for us when we're alive, the furthest they can stay by us is
up to the grave.

d. the first wife is the our soul, neglected in our pursuit of material
wealth and pleasure. It is actually the only thing that follows us wherever
we go

Response Vs Reaction

Response Vs Reaction
At a restaurant, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and sat on a lady.
She started screaming out of fear.
With a panic stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach.
Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group also got panicky.
The lady finally managed to push the cockroach away but ... it landed on another lady in the group.
Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to continue the drama.
The waiter rushed forward to their rescue. In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter.

The waiter stood firm, composed himself
and observed the behavior of the cockroach on his shirt.
When he was confident enough, he grabbed it with his fingers and threw it out of the restaurant.
***
Sipping my coffee and watching the amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few thoughts and started wondering, was the cockroach responsible for their histrionic behavior?
If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed?
He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos.
It is not the cockroach, but the inability of the ladies to handle the disturbance
caused by the cockroach that disturbed the ladies.
I realized that, it is not the shouting of my father or my boss or my wife that disturbs me, but it's my inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that disturbs me.
It's not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the disturbance caused by the traffic jam that disturbs me.
More than the problem, it's my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life.
Lessons learnt from the story:
I understood, I should not react in life. I should always respond.
The women reacted, whereas the waiter responded. Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always well thought of, just and right to save a situation from going out of hand, to avoid cracks in relationship,
to avoid taking decisions in anger, anxiety, stress or hurry!

Fantastic meanings

Fantastic meanings...

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman gains her master's

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees in the end

SMILE:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

YAWN:
The only opportunity some married men
ever get to open their mouths

EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their mistakes

DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell
in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip

OPTIMIST:
A person who, while falling from the
EIFFEL TOWER,says midway:
"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

BOSS:
Someone who is early when you are late
and late when you are early

POLITICIAN:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence afterward

DOCTOR:
A person who kills your ills with pills and Later with his bills.

Funny Joke

1 Building jo 107 Floor ki thi,
usme
3 dost saath rehte the..
.
.
1 Din Lifit kharab ho gayi, to wo
stairs se uper jane lage chadhte-
chadhte bor
na ho jaye isliye socha ki
.
1st Friend Kisi Jang(war) Ki Story
Sunaye ga
.
2nd friend Koi Funny Story
aur
.
3rd wala Koi Sad Story Sunaega . .
.
.
Is Tarha 107th Floor tak Pahuch
Jaayenge
.
1st Ne Jung Ki Story Sunai aur 50
Floor Tak Pohnch Gaye
.
2nd Ne Funny Story Sunai aur wo
99 Floor Par
Ponch Gaye Phir..
.
3rd sad face karke bola :- yaaro
sadstory ye
ha ki
.
.
apne FLAT ki chabi CAR me hi reh
gayi hai

School life

A Sad Lov Story :(

1 Student Ko Apni Classmate Se Pyar Ho Gaya

Ladke Ne Use Prapose Kiya, Lekin Ladki Ne Inkar Kar Diya
Or Teacher Ko Uski Complain Kardi

Teacher Ne Ladke Ko Kaafi Daanta

Or 1week K Liye Class Se Nikal Diya

Jab 1week Baad Ladka Wapas Class Me Gaya
To Ladki Ko Us Se Pyar Ho Gaya ♥

Ladki Ne Us Ladke Ki Book Me Likha: I M Sorry&I Love You Too ♥

Ladke Ne Koi Response Nhi Diya, Isi Tarah 4
Saal Guzar Gaye :(

Moral :- bewkoof Ladki Itna Bhi Nahi Samajti k
Ladke Kabhi Books Nahi Kholte Hai...

Joke

Boy : What is 143
.
Girl : i love you
Boy : no :P
.
Girl : i miss you
Boy : no :p
.
Girl : i need you
Boy : no :D
.
Girl : i kill you
Boy : no :D
.
Girl : phir kya hai ? :O
.
.
.
.
Boy : one hundred &
forty three 1st jaa k
numbers sikle pagli

Joke

There are four engineers traveling in a car;

a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.

“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to
me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we
should clear out the fuel system.”

“I thought it might be an grounding problem”, says
the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug
lead.”

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”
“Ummm – perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”

Truth

TOP 10 DIALOGUES OF TEACHERS
1. If you're not interested then u may
leave the class..
.
2. If you want to talk please get out of the
class & talk..
.
3. This class is worst then a fish market..
.
4. Are you here to waste your parents
money.. ??
.
5. Tell me when you all have finished
talking..
.
6. Why you are laughing.. ??
Come here n tell us all, we'll also laugh..
.
.
7. Do you think teachers are fool..
.
8. Why do you come to school when u
don't want to study..
.
9. Don't try to act over smart with me..
.
10. You yes you.. I'm talking to you only
don't look back....:p :O :D :D

Self Appraisal

its just Awesome... Just read it....

A Little boy went to a telephone booth which was at the cash counter of a store and dialed a number. The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

Boy: “Lady, can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?”

Woman: (at the other end of the phone line) “I already have someone to cut my lawn.”

Boy: “Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price than the person who cuts your lawn now.”

Woman: “I’m very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting the lawn.”

Boy: (with more perseverance) “Lady, I’ll even sweep the floor and the stairs of your house for free.”

Woman: “No, thank you.”

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store-owner: “Son….I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.”

Boy: “No thanks.”

Store-owner: “But you were really pleading for one.”

Boy: “No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!”

*”This is called Self Appraisal”

Joke

A Couple never fought in 25Yrs!!!
A friend asked - How did U make it possible??
Husband - We went 2 Shimla for our Honeymoon, While Horse riding My Wife's Horse jumped & my wife fell down, she got up, patted d Horse's back & said "Dis is your 1st time".
After a while,it happened again.
She said "dis is your 2nd time" & When it happened the 3rd time, she took out a gun & shot the horse.
I shouted, U psycho, U killed the horse.
She gave a grave look & said "dis is your 1st time".

Since then we are very happy...